The Fighter

I wrote this note back in July at the end of a rough patch. I still look to this piece when I'm having a tough day. Helps me remember that yes, indeed, I'm a STRONG person.

Today I went for a 12km jog. During that run I did a lot of introspection, which is not that uncommon for me. Running helps me organize my thoughts and feelings into a coherent version of things that I can properly process. I spend an exorbitant amount of time by myself, which gives me plenty of opportunity to ponder life and all its intricacies, challenges, messages and events. Frequently these thoughts aren't always organized, but running allows me to organize all this into little compartments.  Today was an exceptionally heavy thinking day. I reviewed my life for the past year, some of it being impacted by things that happened the year before. Allow me to begin.

 I'm the kind of person who believes that everything happens for a reason. I think that we all end up where we are supposed to be at any given time. We meet the people we meet for a reason - they come into our lives to teach us something, for better or for worse. We can chose to keep these people in our lives if they are good for our souls, or we can move on and meet new people. Meeting new people isn't always easy, especially when one moves to a place completely void of anybody familiar. That's what happened to me. A couple of years ago I moved down to Ajax with my boyfriend at the time (who later became my fiancee, and then subsequently became my ex. To be discussed later). I followed him down and didn't know a soul. But I had him and for the time being that was ok. I had/have friends in other places, so I spent time driving to visit them and some of them came to visit me as well. I figured with time, we'd make some mutual friends through his work, or we'd get involved with community stuff or sports. None of the above happened. Our relationship started falling apart shortly after we got engaged (February 2012). We started changing and growing apart. I got active again, I wanted to explore, return to the vivacious person I was at the start of the relationship. He became the polar opposite. We tried desperately to make things work but in the end, I decided to end it the day after Thanksgiving 2012. He was no longer good for me, and I was most likely no longer good for him. Though I may resent him, and may always resent him, I'm glad for the relationship and glad for the end of it. I learned what I want, what I need in a partner. I learned what I am willing to compromise on. I also learned that I deserve a hell of a lot better than I have accepted in the past. So, despite all the challenges that relationship presented, I'm eternally thankful for it. Please note, run as far away as you can from anybody that tells you "I already have you, so why should I work to keep you?" Doesn't matter how long you've been with them. If they feel that way about the relationship, they are incredibly lazy and don't think you're worth an ounce of energy.

Within a month of "the divorce" I found my own apartment in Pickering. I was determined to live on my own despite now being even more alone than I had ever been in my entire life. I figured that it's important that I be able to live alone and take care of myself because you never know what is going to happen down the road. I was pleased as pie to find my current dwellings. It's a reasonable sized basement apartment. It smells a little funny most of the time. It's damp. It's infested with spiders in the winter, and even more spiders and earwigs in the summer. It has a pathetic excuse for a kitchen. The windows pool condensation in the winter. But it's MY place. I found it on my own. I'm ever so slowly making it a home, even though I know it will not be a permanent lodging. My landlady is amazing. It's a WONDERFUL neighbourhood. So, despite the flaws in this place, it's mine. I've worked hard to get to this point. I don't exactly make a lot of money in my chosen career field and so the fact that I found a place that I can afford to live in on my own is simply miraculous. I moved into this place November 17, 2012.

Once I was fully moved into my new dwellings, the excitement about the potential of my life was exploding. I could do anything!!! I could meet new people. I could explore. I could run as often as I wanted without feeling like shit about it. I could start learning the guitar seriously without being judged or being told that I was interrupting a TV show. I could sing without being told to shut up. I could FINALLY be myself!!! I was liberated. The sky was the limit. The world was my oyster. Please feel free to add any more cliches. I had never felt so empowered in my life. Everyone I talked to were amazed I was in such a good place considering all the changes I had experience (as I had also fairly recently at that point changed jobs). I was unstoppable. I had already started liking someone else around that time (well, actually prior to the breakup, which to me was just additional sign that things were the polar opposite of stellar in my relationship). Things were complicated because he was my chiropractor, and he had a girlfriend. So I sat on it for a while. Decided to get over it. That didn't work. The days I'd have my appointments were my favorite days. He went above and beyond what I'm sure most client received for care. The week before I decided to tell him he commented to me that "when this is all over, it's going to be very bitter sweet". Maybe I read into it, who knows. It's irrelevant really. I waited until my body was in a stable enough position and told him that I wanted to be referred to another chiropractor. He was by FAR the most incredible chiropractor ever so asking to be referred elsewhere was a blow in and of itself. He wanted to know what was going on so I explained to him why knowing full well that I was setting myself up for a bruised heart. I don't believe in pining after men. I believe if you like someone, and you feel they are truly worth your time and energy, then tell them. So I told him. My goal was NOT to break up a relationship. My goal was simply to share my feelings. I got the outcome I expected as I knew he was unavailable. This all went down at the end of February 2013. I felt powerful. I was a force to be reckoned with. Bearing your heart to someone like that takes an insurmountable amount of energy and it's even more so when you know you're going to be crushed in the end. But I felt it was worth it.

The start of March was the beginning of what I now like to call "The Great Depression". It lasted almost 4 months. I don't know what caused it. It may have been a settling of all the upheaval in my life up to that point and all the changes coming to a head. I really don't know, but suddenly I didn't feel so powerful. I didn't feel like the sky was the limit. I didn't feel like myself anymore. Those closest to me knew something was up, knew that I was a little down in the dumps, or feeling "low", but I kept it to myself the extent of it. It's very hard to explain depression to those who have never experienced it. But allow me to do my best. I have gone through periods of sadness, loneliness, stress and anxiety all through my life. I think that's pretty normal in everyone's life. This, however, was different. It was like being a vortex of negativity, helplessness, hopelessness, agony, melancholy, exhaustion and defeat. It lasted 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, progressively getting worse over the course of March and April. My life consisted of me still being completely alone (or perceiving it, as all I knew were people from work), getting up and going to work for a million hours a day, and coming home to nothing. I was exhausted ALL THE TIME. It took every ounce of energy I had to get out of bed in the morning and get to work. Sometimes it took even more energy to come home, so I'd work extra hours. But that is also exhausting in my job. I stopped running because that took too much energy, so it became difficult to process my thoughts and emotions. I stopped cooking. I stopped playing guitar because that required too much concentration, and therefore too much energy. I stopped listening to music, and I stopped singing. I cried sometimes, but usually that took too much energy as well. I used to dance around my apartment when a song I liked came on, and I stopped doing that. I was spiralling downward. And every now and again my ex would pester me about something, which would send me down even further as I had been working so hard to move on and forward. This carried on through March, April and May. I call the month of May a rebirth of sorts. I hit the lowest of the low. I had no coping mechanisms, nobody to talk to because I didn't want to burden my family or friends with my pointless emotional bullshit. I was withdrawing from those closest to me, and withdrawing from life itself. Towards the end of May (I think?) I got one final bullshit message from my ex that topped off my misery and I wanted to die. I sat in bed that night crying harder than I had every cried in my life. I was pathetic. I was nobody. I was worthless. I couldn't find a single positive thing about life. Why the hell would I want to keep going? I sat in bed howling and clutching my sheets in a desperate attempt to keep myself grounded, keep myself in this world. I debated many many dark things to the point where I was beginning to think I really needed to have professional intervention. What stopped me was that I a) didn't want to be locked up in some rehab facility for crazy people as I am not crazy and b) I didn't want to be medicated with something that permanently changes the chemical composition of the brain. I refused to be a crazy person. I started pulling myself together. It was mentally, and actually physically painful to do so. I took a sick day a couple of days after that and went up to see my parents and talked to them about my problems. I have the best parents in the world. I received no judgement, no push to get help, no outward fear from them that their beloved daughter had cracked. Instead, my mom hugged me and my dad spent most of his free time with me talking and listening and allowing me to divulge my horrible state of mind and spirit without judgement. Thus the healing process began.

Slowly I started returning to a more normal me. It was painful, excruciating at times. I focussed on things that I was looking forward to. For example paddling, which I knew was beginning in June. I started feeling excited about it. Anxious, but excited, and slowly the excitement took over the anxiety. The moment I was back on the water I felt a huge wave of relief. I have always loved being on the water. I rowed for many years. But I retired and had been essentially off the water for about 4-5 years. The moment I got into the kayak, as tippy as I felt, it was like I was breathing again. I was able to clear my mind more than I had been able to do with anything before. I felt like ME!!!! I clicked back into place. I found my drive, my motivation, my power again. I still had bad days in June where I was sad, or exhausted, or a little melancholy, but the worse was over. I feel in my heart of hearts that that was my rock bottom back in May. When you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up and with my rational mind coming back into play I held onto that thought for dear life. Throughout June I started returning to normal life. I knew I was on the right path when I started listening to music again. And then I started running again. Every now and then I'd cook again. And finally, I've started re-learning the guitar (as I lost it all during the great depression) and singing again. I fought very very hard to get to this point, and though I had support from family and friends (as after my "bad night" I told my two closest friends), I pulled myself through this.

I'm a fighter. I always have been. I believe in working hard for what you want. I believe that when you aren't happy with things in your life, you need to work hard to change it, or at least change your perspective on it. During one of my paddling practices my coach said something to the athletes and all he said was "you need to fight for it". I took that to heart. It has become a bit of a mantra for me. I DO fight for it. I fought my way out of my great depression. I am determined to win at life, and work as hard as I have to to do it. I'm back to loving life. My heart still gets bruised a bit (two fairly recent incidents) but it's not the end of the world. Everything that I go through, everything I experience helps me learn more about myself, and helps me be a stronger and better person. It's all about perspective. As horrid as my great depression was, I'm glad I experience it. I came out the other side stronger and and even better version of myself than I was before. The whole of life is a self-betterment project (to coin a project that my friend's boyfriend is doing). I'm a force to be reckoned with once again. :)

I have this uncanny ability to see many perspectives on many issues. I think that allows me to empathize and sympathize more with people. Regardless, I believe in treating others as I want to be treated. I want to be treated with kindness and respect, so I do my best to treat those around me with such. I'm only human so I sometimes fail at that, but then I just try again. I treat those around me kindly because I have no idea what kind of battles they are fighting. They may be fighting a battle that's going to make or break them, and so it's important to take that into consideration when interacting with others.

Surround yourself with people who are good for your soul.

If you're having a bad day, be kind to yourself. If you're having a good day, be kind to yourself. ALWAYS be kind to yourself.

Lastly, be in the moment. It can be difficult, but it's a hell of a lot better than continuously stressing about things that may or may not happen, or worrying about things that are out of your control. Life is too short and too precious to focus all your energy on the bad things. Respect the stressors, but don't let them rule you.